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Accepting Forgiveness, I’m Human
Episode #798
3/20/2022
With Martha Kilpatrick and hosted by John Enslow
This is a continuation of a series of podcasts started in Episode #797
Martha:
Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
That’s a tough one for all of us, Gene. If you have a high standard that makes it even worse.
I’ve been going through a health crisis and John has said, “Martha, you are experiencing self-punishment.” John has helped me see how difficult my father was because I didn’t really see it because I always felt he was right. I believe John’s right that I am inflicting my suffering on myself to punish myself for being weak. And I’m writing about it, interestingly enough; in part; I’ve got a lot more to write about it.
I’ve been suffering a lot with health issues and I felt like the Lord was trying to tell me something. I said, “Whatever You tell me I’m going to believe. If You commend me, I’m going to accept it” because I couldn’t even receive praise and take it in and enjoy it. I realize I was not letting God speak to me or tell me who I am. That old pattern! John deals with it with men which is amazing. That’s what it’s evolved into; there are men who are helping each other. That’s so miraculous.
Early in my walk the Lord said to me, “If you heard your story, you would weep for yourself but you won’t weep for yourself. You weep for everybody else.” And I did. I had a ministry of weeping. “You weep for everyday else but you don’t weep for you. You don’t give yourself the same compassion and grace that you give to others.” And that’s been old and typical of me.
The Lord said to me, “I made you human. You don’t want to be human. You are human. I chose to put My Spirit in the human body. My message is that. Your body is Mine and your life is Mine. You have to make peace with it that you are a bumbling; you are always tumbling, messing up.” And He said, “That’s how it is to me human.” I really felt at that time, I was probably 28, I really felt like I had to get that message or I would be nothing; that was the core of acceptance of myself as a stumbly, bumbly human being.
My daddy was rebuilding the back steps of the house. He had taken off the bad wood and was putting in new. And there was a big hole where the steps were. And I lived life as an acrobat. I took ballet lessons. When I came into a room, I would put my head down and do a flip over into the chair. My mother and father would say, “Martha, please!” I was just an athlete.
Daddy said, “Martha, please don’t go leaping off the porch. I’ve pulled the wood out. Don’t forget that there is no step there and you will fly into the air.” He knew me well enough and sure enough I did. I went sailing off and my foot caught on the nail and it was a bad cut and I didn’t want to tell daddy so I put on a shoe and walked two miles in summer heat to the doctor by myself. I wouldn’t even ask for help. That’s how stupid I felt like “You told me not to do that and I went and did it.” I had no grace for me and I didn’t let him have grace. I came home with a bandaged toe; and I had stitches. I don’t know how on earth I paid for it. I may not have. That was how I viewed myself, as this bumbling idiot always doing the wrong thing. Everybody in this room could relate to that, I’m sure.
I’m purposing to love my life He gave me; kookie life that I am. And there’s great healing in it, Gene. You are very wise to say you are your enemy.
Another thing He showed me is He wants our forgiveness to be an absolute wiping out of the memory of sin. He has challenged me that, “I paid for every bit of it to disappear.” All you sin all your bumbling, stumbling, everything you are not has been forgiven.” And if I don’t receive that power of innocence, I have rejected Christ as my Savior.
And it’s like when He came and got you and saved your soul, He forgot all your sin; He forgot it. And I have to come in agreement with that forgiveness. It’s a forgiveness that has wiped it out for eternity. And if I hold on to it, it means I am not forgiven; I don’t accept; I would rather be a sinner; I’d rather just do it myself, thank You Lord! That’s how stupid it is.
I wish the Lord would give me a message about this because what He showed me was, I might accept forgiveness but I don’t accept that it’s gone; it doesn’t exist; it never will. Your sins are gone from this world and this eternity. That’s what the Bible says.
I will forgive your sin and not remember it anymore. I will forget it.
But it is such a sin to have contempt for yourself. I believe it’s the difference between life and death; weather you are willing to love the life God gave you. What is our booklet out on self-hatred and that sells so much?
Accepting Forgiveness, I’m Human – Episode #798 – Shulamite Podcast
We must come into agreement with God’s forgiveness. Our forgiveness wipes our sins out for eternity. God wants His forgiveness to wipe it out of the memory.
